Oh, goodmorning! What a lovely day it is. What was your name again? Ah, pardon me. How could I ever forget that? How are you, dear?
Raise your hand if you ever had this question from some ignorant person who doesn’t care about you at all, but asked you this question anyways just to be polite. Raise your other hand if you’ve had that question on the wrong time, whenever you couldn’t respond with the usual ‘I am doing absolutely great! How about you?’ and had to control yourself for not jumping, yelling and throwing objects at that person. Trying not to cry because your eyes feel like empty glasses that need to be filled with tears.
Well, you can lower your hands again. Because you are not the only one.
And if today was another day of lies like ‘I am fine!’, then I want to congratulate you and tell you you did a good job for keeping your own shit for yourself. Well done.
I am a honest person myself. Because I do not like to lie. Whenever I give other people information about me, I make sure it sounds familiar to what (cruel) person I actually am. I don’t want to lie to my parents, to my friends, siblings, teachers… But I do it all the time. Because everyone keeps asking me that ignorant question because its what starts a conversation, even though we all know it doesn’t since no one can be honest these days.
Don’t ever, ever, ever blame yourself for this lie. Its not your fault, Susan. Neither is it yours, Gina. Also you did nothing, Kevin. Its all our fault.
Because something has taught us that its wrong to tell people what upsets us. We can’t trust anyone we meet, because they are not gentle with our feelings. The only reason your friends, familymembers or possibly co-workers might be, is because they accept you for who you are. But society somehow doesn’t. At least, that’s my personal analysis. For some reason we can’t deal with people their minds even though we’re all practically the same. The only differences we have is how we react to our feelings, our opinions, The situations we end up in, the people that surround us, the mindset we grew up with, our intelligence… Okay, maybe we aren’t all the same, but our feelings are. And I think it’s weird to judge people for whatever they are feeling. We should show sympathy.
Maybe you were born and raised in this town where everyone knows each others bussiness and doesn’t gossip or judge people for their feelings or actions at all. Like one big loving and caring family. But I strongly doubt that. Even families can’t find peace to live in.
The funny thing about judging is, that we judge people for the mistakes we fear to make or we have made in our past. Why are you not judging me? Because I don’t have a face in your memory. I don’t have a name or a skin tone. I am somebody, with feelings and thought you possibly could understand. And that’s the reason I didn’t tell my maths teacher today why I can’t focus on anything at school. Because society tells me it is weird. Even if its a nice man who knows how to keep secrets.
So here I am, right now. Writing a blog because no one will read it, and no one will judge me. And I am going to yell here. I am going to cry and shout whatever is in my mind.
Dear boys and girls, I am not fine.
I am heart broken by a man who made me believe is different. Oh, he is different. But he left for a reason I never got told.
This is the first time in a long time, that everything is cut in my body except for my skin.
I am breathing shattered glass that has been shoved up my throat and is spreading through all my veins. It impedes my brain, my eyes, my future, my mood, my weight and my face.
I am hurt, but I am not ashamed of this feeling. Because I am human and I have feelings. But because some of these feelings make me feel guilty for blurting not only my secret out, I will whisper my story. I just hope someone notices.
I will share my letters to him here. He won’t read it anyways. But i’ve never written this good and passioned to someone I thought was the one for me. I still hope he is. I just have to wait.
One day you will grow bigger and shine brighter than the level you already have reached.
I swear, I got this.
My next post might be about how to build a home in no one else but yourself