I am lost. And I am stuck.
I am left with unsent letters, unsaid words, ungiven love. This causes me to be drowning in unspilled tears. I am stuck in thoughts and a million maybes.
Maybe I wasn’t good enough,
Maybe he wasn’t ready for me.
Maybe I didn’t pray enough,
Maybe he has another purpose.
Maybe I wasn’t comforting enough,
Maybe he is too complex for me.
Maybe the words I didn’t say would make up his mind,
Maybe they would cause more trouble.
Maybe the letters I didn’t send would heal the hole,
Maybe they would cause more scars.
Maybe I should have been honest to my parents from the start,
Maybe that would cause more damage.
Maybe the qualities I had to offer weren’t enough,
Maybe he does not need me,
Maybe he needs another,
Maybe there will be no other.
Maybe we will be happier this way.
Maybe our paths will cross again later.
Perhaps; they won’t.
Good God, may I be good enough for him? Maybe.
I wonder how he is doing. I wonder if he’s still listening to that song when he feels down. I wonder if he thinks about me, and I wonder if he doesn’t; I wonder if he got over me. I wonder if there’s another one wiping away his tears, or whether there will be another one wiping away his tears. I wonder if his mum does, because he needs a woman to give the kind of love a friendship cant profide. I wonder if he needs me like he told me. I wonder why he ended things so fast, and I wonder why he never told me why. I wonder if i want to know the answers.
God, I wonder if he’s wondering too, if he has those dreams too, if he’s drowning in sugared imaginations because the reality is too bitter too. I wonder if he can feel the little moments we shared, all the words that have been said. I wonder if he wonders what words I wanted to send. I wonder if he’s as good at loving as I am. I wonder if he wonders what i am wondering, I wonder if he stilll loves me.
I wonder if he’s praying for me.
It has almost been a month, but life goes on. Every clock has been ticking, everyone has been moving, every ocean has kept waving, every star has kept shining, every diamond has been reflecting, every eye has been blinking, every phone has been ringing.
Every heart has been beating and all the lungs are still breathing,
Except for mine.
It feels like I am stuck in time. In those small two months I have spent with him, all on the phone. We didn’t meet often, but we called a lot. That voice is still in my head. That cute dimple, that smile, that mole on his nose. Those eyelashes that were as big as mine, and the child that has been gone for a long time…
I recognised it in his eyes, through his glasses, the first time I told him I love him, while he was holding my hand. On that bench behind the piano on central station. I had cut my hair, I was wearing my green top and a grey vest, I had bought a sandwich from Subway, and a small blue purse from Primark. He had a meeting with friends. He was wearing some kind of polo with blue and black stripes. His hand fit perfectly in mine and it was so soft. I kept giggling and he kept asking ‘What?’, but I did not know how to describe what I felt. Because he had his fingers between mine and he was stroking with his thumb over mine, and I was the happiest girl on the whole world.
I guess that was the fourth time I had seen him. It was 24-07-’17. Imagine how stuck I must be in time.
This is one of our happy moments. It keeps repeating in my head. Just like the moment he ended what we had. I remember not being able to breathe. I had never experienced that feeling ever before, it was so rare to me. My lungs just clapped, closed.
Today, I cried. I mean, that’s not special or anything such, but I experienced another physical feeling while crying. The stomach ache. I felt cramps in my stomach. I remember how I hoped to carry our children there one day, but now it just looks like a bag of fat and dissapointment. And cramps. a lot of cramps. Not because I’m hungry because I lost my appetite, but because I am hurt. And it’s hard to love me for some reason, since everyone tends to leave.
I have no regrets for loving this man. Because I used to be in a dark place and he saved me. He saved me when I was close to ending my life, reminding me coming back to You is still possible, no matter how far I am. Dear God, I want to thank You for helping him to teach me how to pray. I want to thank you for my broken pieces; the scars I have might be saving me a lot of pain in the future. If this is the right way to experience it, then so be it.
Dear God, I want you to help me focus on things. Because I can’t focus since he left me. God, I can’t focus. Help me focus. Help me wake up in the early morning. Help me, Lord. I need Your help.